Axis of Evil: The Starting Lineup

Part One of a Collaborative Series with Zach Routh

The Axis of Evil is a list of all things that stand in the way of what we as Americans hold dear. In 2002, George Bush (played by Will Ferrell on SNL) updated the Axis of Evil to include Enron, the economy, math, and Evil Kenevil (but that one’s a no brainer).

It’s 2018 now and the Axis of Evil needed updating. You can think of it like a basketball game and all the worst players are on one team called the “Axis of Evil”. And here’s their starting lineup:

Water Chestnuts

Want to ruin a meal? Stick a few water chestnuts in it.

Duke Power

Duke Power sucks. Their customer service sucks. Their website is a dumpster fire. They hate the environment. They get away with murder. They’re a bunch of mouth breathers.

When pizza burns the top of your mouth

Is it worth it? Probably. Should I be more patient and let it cool? Probably.

The NCAA

I love college sports, I hate the NCAA. They can’t make or enforce rules with any sort of rationality. As a “non-profit”, they steal billions of dollars from student-athletes and are rarely accountable for any sort of wrongdoing. Boo Mark Emmert, Boo.

Mayonnaise

Only psychopaths order extra mayo. **Some exceptions made for Chipotle Mayo and well-made chicken salad, pimento cheese, etc.**

The phrase “Same Difference”

If you replace the phrase “same thing” with the phrase “same difference” you are the worst. It doesn’t make any sense and in the end you’re likening two things instead of differentiating them. STOP THIS MADNESS.

Bread Ends Sandwich

This is the worst thing since sliced bread. Bread ends sandwich? That’s a no for me dawg.

When you bend down and your water bottle falls out of your backpack

And as soon as you bend down to pick up the water bottle something else falls, creating an endless cycle. The struggle is real folks.

Headphones jerking out of your ears

This mostly happens when I’m on a treadmill, causing alarm and overall disorientation. The bluetooth headphones almost sell themselves.

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12 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Suck at Fantasy Football

Carter had a bad fantasy football year and we punished him accordingly. The biggest loser in the league (Carter) had to create an embarrassing 12 month calendar of himself, with each league member picking the theme for one month. So really, we didn’t just punish him once… We punished him for 12 whole months.

“Nip-slip New Year” Directed by Evan

1 January 001

Evan scored more points than every team in the West division but struggled in the East. To celebrate not coming in last place, Evan dressed Carter up in a makeshift baby outfit to bring in the New Year.

“President’s Day” Directed by Zach

2 February 001

Zach got screwed— he missed the trophy by just two points. With a tear in his eye, Zach dressed up Carter in a nostalgic Barack Obama matching t-shirt and hat.

“Matt suspiciously flees the state” March

3 March 001

Matt won the 2017 league after finishing the 2016 season dead last with a paltry 925 cumulative points. To escape any suspicion, he immediately fled to the north, never to be seen again. (Picture selected by Carter)

“April Showers bring May Flowers” Directed by Andrew

4 april 001

Carter is wearing a full rain suit but Andrew couldn’t make it rain points in the league. Andrew barely squeaked by Carter in the last game to avoid the ultimate punishment.

“Cinco de Mayo/ Mother’s Day” Directed by Becca

5 mauy 001

We had nine players in the league but there’s twelve months in a year… so we called in our female friends to help fill in the gap. Here, Carter combines two holidays into one confusing picture.

“Beach Season” Directed by Ashley

6 june 001

Carter actually fills out this two piece swimsuit pretty well. Then again, he’s wearing a women’s swim suit at midnight 250 miles away from the nearest beach. Well played, Ash.

“Carter’s Birthday” Directed by Carter Fields

7 july 001

The dude likes cats and isn’t shy about it. Carter’s fantasy football fate was sealed from the very beginning after starting the season on a six game losing streak.

“Sorority Rush” Directed by Liz

8 august 001

“Throw what you know.” Liz didn’t play fantasy football but I bet even she could beat Carter’s team.

“Wake Me Up When September Ends” Directed by Nathan

9 september 001

Despite finishing fourth, Nathan had the highest cumulative points. This lethargic photo also reflects Carter’s lackadaisical attitude towards fantasy football.

“World Series” Directed by George (Carter)

10 october 001

After several pictures being deemed “inappropriate,” George finally gave up. Note George’s team name is also a jab at Carter; “Carter can’t (Jordan) Reed.”

“Boy Scout Popcorn Month” Directed by Ryan

11 november 001

Carter is wearing a youth-medium boy-scout uniform (waist size 22). Team Kelley also had a rough season though, finishing 5-6.

“The Nutcracker” Directed by Sean

12 december 001

Someone got their balls busted alright. Sean took down Carter 90-83 in Week 7 on the way to a 7-4 finish.

Best SnapChats I’ve Ever Received

Most Snapchats last 10 seconds but these will go down in history forever.

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This is my clear favorite. If you’re not as alarmed as Mike you need to get with the program.

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See what they did here?

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To be fair, Wendy’s doesn’t have their own naturally enhanced flavored water.

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Part 1

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Part 2. Yes this actually happened. Someone broke into Brittany’s car one night, took her GPS, most likely smoked a cigarette and left a surprise on top of the car. Cash reward for any leads.

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We’ve all been there, he’s just the bravest to admit it.

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I think Zach is actually on to something here.

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A health expert recommended a rough guideline of about one ounce of full-fat cheese per day. Just FYI.

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Somehow this was for a Spanish project. Nailed it.

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Sadly, one of the most accurate pics on here.

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Harrison’s natural hair color?

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All natural.

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Women can be founding fathers too!

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Stylish? No. Practical? Yes.

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Yes I keep a spare TV remote in my car. See my blog post on “Ryan’s Emergency Car Kit”.

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That poor face says it all.

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Her middle name is Alexandria Brianna (spell check?)

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To clarify, Brooke convinced everyone to go out and then immediately fell asleep at the Barcade.

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Dude forgot his mouthpiece and is rolling with it. Britt and I had court-side seats for the pic.

BONUS POLL

A Comprehensive Ranking of Every Ryan Kell(e)y (That We Know)

Will the real BigRin please stand up? A guest column by George Oliver

Ryan Kelley/Ryan Kelly.  It’s a surprisingly generic name, and it’s tough to keep all of them straight.  For those of you that have struggled to understand where our beloved blogger fits in the world of Ryan Kellys/Kelleys, no need to fear!  My good friend has compiled an unbiased ranking of all these people (that we know), factoring qualities such as athleticism, intelligence, musical ability, proper spelling of “Ryan Kelley”, and blog quality.

Unranked – R Kelly

r kelley 2

 You may have expected R Kelly’s great musical ability to give him a fighting shot in these rankings, but you thought wrong because his first name is Robert.  He’s not even remotely qualified for this competition.

T-6th – Ryan Kelley and Ryan Kelley

  r kelley 6th place   r kelley 6th place 2

We actually don’t know too much about these Ryan Kelleys (we just discovered them in a Facebook search five seconds ago), but they both went to a couple dumb ag schools (NC State and Cornell), so they really can’t be much.

5th – Ryan Kelly

 r kelley 5th place

A basketball player for Duke and the Los Angeles Lakers, Ryan Kelly has some reasonable athletic prowess.  But one look at his face and it’s clear he has zero musical prowess.  His Duke degree may seem impressive, but it’s actually pretty lackluster as far as Ryan Kelleys go.  Blog post is nonexistent and name is misspelled.  Actually, he’s just an embarrassment of a Ryan Kelley.

4th – Ryan Kelly

 r kelley 4th place

A three-time national champion and unanimous All American at Alabama, Ryan Kelly is currently tearing it up in the NFL because he is a physical beast.   Unfortunately, his education is not up to par, and his name is still spelled wrong, so he fails to reach the podium.

3rd – Ryan Kelly

r kelley 3rd place

A graduate of Brown, where he won the Ivy League Championships in the 200M at track, Ryan Kelly clearly has both intelligence and athleticism.  However, his musical prowess and blog’s existence is TBD.  Plus, his name is still wrong.  Clearly his Brown degree didn’t teach him how to spell.

 2nd – Ryan Kelley

r kelley 2nd place

Ryan Kelley had a respectable track career at the US Naval Academy, with a 5K time as fast as 14 minutes 24 seconds.  We can assume his brains and athleticism are the reason why our military has been destroying ISIS left and right in recent months.  Sadly, he seems to keep a low-profile due to his tenure in the military, so there is no blog to judge him by.  He would’ve been a clear winner otherwise because let’s be real; this Ryan slays.

1st – TheBigRinRyan

r kelley 1st place

This Ryan Kelley is the real deal.  He’s squared up with Chris Paul in basketball (above) in addition to killing the JV Cross Country scene in High School.  He can play just about any Guitar Hero song on medium.  His name is spelled correctly.  Plus, he has a quality education from the prestigious University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, and writes a world-class blog with no less than 26 views on any given post.  With all due respect to Ryan Kelley, this Ryan Kelley is the clear-cut greatest Ryan Kelley.

Editor’s note: George Oliver did not receive any compensation for this article. 

 

Spending a Week With My Parents (As told by Ryan’s Snapchat)

I spent a week with my parents and documented some of the strange things I found around the house on Snapchat. Let’s take a look…

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Literally only one type of cereal in the house. At least Cinnamon Pecan cereal tastes better than it looks.

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I’m guessing this was  eventually returned?

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This charity just can’t take a hint. They’ve probably spent $50 mailing me letter over the years for a $10 donation 10 years ago.

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Feel free to save this picture if you ever need help setting up a scanner.

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I think this is my sister’s but still embarrassing.

Stay tuned for more blogs like:

  • STEVE QUOTES PART 2. Featuring quotes like “Hot yoga? I thought that was the dress code.”
  • AN UNBIASED RANKING OF EVERYONE NAMED RYAN KELLEY (THAT WE KNOW OF). Spoiler alert one of the categories is the quality of your blog.

Cut-Throat Statistics: Does order matter?

The purpose of this study was to determine whether it is most beneficial to go first, second or third in a game of Cut-Throat (see below for games rules). Generally, the order of the game is decided by a game of Rock, Paper Scissors, with the winner getting to choose his/her starting position. So if you win the game of Rock, Paper Scissors, which starting place should you choose?

To answer this question, I kept track of the starting order and finishing order of 36 different games among players of similiar skill. The starting order of each game was randomized by a game of Rock, Paper Scissors, although the winner didn’t get a choice of his/her starting place, as is customary. The winner had to go first, second place second, and third last. This randomized starting order makes the assumption that Rock, Paper Scissors is truly a random game but the results weren’t as clear.

Cut-Throat is a billiards game played with three people. After making one ball, each player gets to decide which suite of balls they want; either lows (1-5), mids (6-10) or highs (11-15). Rather than pocketing your own balls, the object is to pocket all of your opponent’s balls.

Is three-way Rock, Paper Scissors (RPS) really random?

Not really but it was close enough. In theory, the results below should show each player finishing in each place 33% of the time— but it didn’t. 11points.com has a couple theories on why the game isn’t truly random.

  • Your brain is always making choices, whether you know it or not. In order for the game to be random, your choices would have to be random as well.
  • Larger studies show people throw paper 30% of the time and Rock and Scissors 35% of the time each.
  • People will often throw whatever just beat them.

1.1

Given the option, should you go first, second or third in Cut-Throat?

You should choose to go second! Maybe third overall but you definitely don’t want to go first. The graph below shows the player who goes second wins 47% of all games, vs. 36% for the third player and only 17% for the first player.

Graph 2.1

2.1

Graph 2.2

2.2

Graph 2.3

2.3

  • The first player is doomed from the start, making only 3.7 balls per game compared with players two and three pocketing about five and a half (see 2.1). The first player only made a ball on the break about 25% of the time, leaving several opportunities open for players two and three to take control on the game. This is true across all players as shown in graph 2.2.
  • Going second is usually the most favorable; however note that the third player makes the most average balls per game (see 2.3). Nonetheless, second place still wins more games overall because they get one additional turn in a victory (meaning if they pocket the last of the opponent’s balls player three doesn’t get an opportunity to respond).

Who is the best player of the group?

Unfortunately, it’s not me. Winning more than 33% of all games means you’re an above average player. There’s not an exact correlation between balls made and Win % but I would say our best players are Kyle, Bowen and Evan. Impressively, Kyle had the highest win percentage despite the highest percentage of being forced to go first (the worst starting position).

3.1

3.2

Nominate a Kelley Family Member for Most Awkward Christmas Card Appearance

I had a hard time putting these in chronological order but I think this is it… Please submit your vote at the bottom.

001

Love Steve, Laura, Erin and Rob??

002

Steve and I don’t smile with our teeth

003

Check out that gap between my teeth

004

More missing teeth

005

Note to self delete this one

006

Erin’s middle school year

007

Where are Steve and Laura?

008

That one time Wake was good at football

009

I wish I had a time machine to get him a haircut

010

Not out greatest work

011

Ryan’s middle school year

012

Wow what a filter

013

Erin graduated from college!

014

Erin and I had a photo shoot at UNC

015

Picking out a Christmas tree

016

It says happy New Year cause we didn’t send it until January

017

The new kitchen is finally done!